What was I afraid of, exactly? It’s wasn't death, but grief. It’s the end. It's not knowing what lies ahead, and unwilling to accept that what lies ahead, may be nothing.
It seems that is my ego talking. I don’t want to not exist because I don’t want to not know about the people I love. When I think about how much I love them, especially my children, the pain of not being seems insurmountable. As mothers, we have no choice. The bond is forever, and it's unimaginable to think of that being broken.
And Jeremie, a soul which crossed my path in such a magical way, despite all our stress and struggles, I still love him, but what about his soul?
Look, I know just how beautiful life is, how precious. I am grateful for what I have, even though I have moments when I compare myself to my friends and peers and wonder why I don’t have more. But I choose to be happy with what I have. And always have a strategy for improvement, a plan for happiness, for peace, for a life that will have been worth living.
Life and death happen. My grandma's house on the corner of the street, that which brought me so much joy as a child. The tree that my grandpa used to sit under. My grandpa, both a hardworking man and one who would stumble out of the bar at 4 in the morning. The bar itself, with its swinging doors and its sweet, sickly smell of spilled beer and cigarettes. All gone.
All gone, but they were real. And nothing can erase that.
Nothing can erase the fact that something was real. The tree was green. The backyard of the house was full of dancing feet and confetti from the Christmas parties. The house was warm inside and smelled of fluffy tortillas on the stove. My grandpa had gray hairs on his head, and loved to eat Doritos.
It was all real, no? And that is what matters? And when the time comes for me to go, like the dream, I will think in those final moments, however they may be, I will think about how it was all real. How I got to love. And I was loved. And I laughed, and I traveled, and I read books and drank wine. And I gave birth to two beautiful children who will continue to be.
And like my dream, I will close my eyes and be thankful for all of it, and go in a state of peace.
Comments
Post a Comment