I have 48 Years Left to Live

"There is something in the New York air that makes sleep useless", Simone Beauvoir famously wrote. And as a person who is juggling multiple projects, ideas, roles, even living on different continents, I've found that sleep sure gets in the way of achieving your dreams. Which is why a recent quick trip to the big apple, a blur of writing, gin and tonics, and some motivational speeches, was just what I needed to push the reset button on my life. 

I wear a lot of hats in my life: mother, daughter, wife, lover (Yes, these last two are not the same thing), writer, manager, director, sister, friend, dreamer. In that class entrepreneurial mindset, I always seem to have a plethora of ideas, some of which I act on, but many which I leave half-assed as I get consumed by the overwhelming reality of a life caring for two young children, working full time, living in different parts of the world, building a house in the middle of  nowhere, managing my husband’s musical career, etc etc. It's hard to make time to do the things that fuel me: working for my NGO, Kitechild, for my news site, Send Thoughts and Prayers, on my book, on my personal blog (this one), or my ecommerce idea (more on this later). So when Send Thoughts and Prayers was invited to cover the Social Good Summit in NYC, I flew out there on my own accord, leaving children at home with grandma and wearing the special hats that made me feel alive: writer, journalist, NGO director. 

As I walked through the West Village, in a vintage silk skirt suit set and daring to wear heels while taking the subway (I’d read that all those women who wear heels and get snapped walking down busy Manhattan streets are really influencers who just stepped out of an uber for a photo. Aka, people where flats on their subway commutes) I couldn’t help but wonder, in a city so chaotic and imposing like NYC, was it possible to find yourself? (direct Carrie Bradshaw reference.) 

My life in the last 5 years has taken wild turns that were not necessarily in my vision when I was in my late twenties, at a point where I had finally learned to love and accept myself for who I was, and where I felt that the world was literally my oyster. Anything was possible, but I didn’t think about the fact that this ”anything” also meant some unplanned surprises, such as getting pregnant, getting married, settling into a more stable work routine, and moving halfway across the world. All this changed my perception of what I thought I would accomplish in my golden years, the late twenties/early 30’s that are full of energy, what others consider pivotal career years that form the rest of our lives. 

And what is the rest of our lives? According to the psychic in the dark corner of the Employee’s Only bar in the West Village, the rest of my life only amounted to 48 more years. I walked into the bar and took a seat, and the first thing she said to me after I shuffled the cards was “you’re going to die when you are 81”. 

Wow, ok, let’s not ease into this, just give it to me straight.

So basically, I have 48 more years to do all the things that I thought I would have done by 33, including, for example, writing my book, starting a business, owning a house. 

And while motherhood changed the course of my life in ways that have been both enlightening and painful, what I have discovered now is that, regardless of any books I write, any projects I create, any traveling I do, whatever happens, the thing I desire the most now is to live long enough to see my children live happily. To be there for them as they grow, to love and guide them through this chaos that is life. 

“I have lived a reasonably content life, and it will be easy to go. Sometimes, however, I wish I knew where to.” 

India’s “grand old man of letters” Khushwat Singh, wrote in his book The freethinker’s Prayer Book. 

And that is the thing about life, we only have the now, because I don’t know if I will experience the beauty of my two children when I go, hear their voices, see their smiles, feel their embrace. And while I know I will live on in their memories, myself, my spirit, will I feel the pain of not being here, with them? 

Anyway, that was a little too existential, but it is the whole point of this post. I am experiencing an existential crisis, because I want to do and experience so much of life, that 48 years does not seem enough to do it all. And when I sit, 8 hours a day, working on sales strategies and project management, while in the back of my mind creative ideas and words are silently imploring to be released, I wonder how long will I keep myself from my true potential. 

So while motherhood and family are the most important hats I wear, the other ones are definitely worth fighting for.